MARY ALICE: Previously on Desperate Housewives.
I don't feel well.
Susars health took a turn for the worse.
Someone call 911!
You have given me so much, Keith.
One relationship came to a bittersweet end...
I know who you are.
- Get out! - Forgive me. Please.
Please. I love you.
No, you don't.
... and another ended in betrayal.
The suburbs are full of parents,
and each parent has their own style.
There's the disciplinarian,
the smotherer,
and the negotiator.
But the one thing they all have in common
is they love to judge
the parents next door.
Take your sister inside, sweetie.
I need to have a little chat with Lee.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hi! I see Jenny's practicing again.
Two hours a day, five days a week.
Wow, she is really into that violin.
Sometimes. Mostly I have to force her to do it.
Ooh. Big mistake.
Really? Seems like you have an unsolicited opinion.
Look, I know you're new to this parenting thing,
so I'm gonna tell you how it works.
You can't force a kid to do stuff,
'cause then it just leads to a lot of door-slamming and name-calling.
And then the kid gets angry, too.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Well, here's the way I think it works.
Jenny told us she wants to play the violin.
So it's my job to make sure she sticks with it.
By pushing her.
I'm not pushing her.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(REPLIES IN MANDARIN)
What? She wanted to learn Mandarin.
Look, I don't mean to devalue the two and a half weeks
you've had as a father.
I'm simply telling you what works.
So, let me ask you, what's Juanita pursuing on her own?
Huh?
As you know, the school talent show is coming up.
Jenny's playing the violin. What's Juanita going to do?
Well, that's hard to say.
See, the beauty of my method is that Juanita has explored so many things,
it's hard to know which one to showcase.
Well, this should be interesting.
Two different parenting philosophies,
and a talent show to prove which one of us is right.
In front of hundreds of people.
Yes. Will it be the overbearing, hypercritical father,
or the loving mom who still looks hot in these sweats?
Game on.
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
Hey, sweetie, I heard the talent show's coming up.
What are you going to do?
It's going to be great. Watch.
(MIMICS FARTING)
MARY ALICE: Yes, each parent has their own style.
But deep down, they're all afraid they're doing it wrong.
There are many things that bring us pleasure.
Baking for our friends,
having a good laugh,
donating to charity.
But the things that bring us pleasure
may not be enough to give our lives meaning
without someone to love.
(DOOR OPENING)
Morning, dear. Just back from the store.
What the hell?
I thought for dinner I could make those lamb chops you love so much.
I got a great tip from the butcher. I'm searing the meat first.
I kicked you out of this house.
Oh, dear. You're still angry with me.
But, you know, Paul, every couple has their fights.
And I'll admit, ours was a doozy.
That wasrt a fight. That was the end!
You don't mean that. You're just upset.
But don't worry,
we will get past this.
Are you out of your mind?
You actually think I would take you back?
Wait. I get it.
This is another ploy cooked up by your sick mother.
My mother. Yes.
She's the one you're mad at.
It's all her fault.
She told me you were a monster who killed Aunt Martha.
But then I fell in love with you, and I realized,
you never could have done such a thing.
It was all a lie.
Oh, Beth. That was no lie.
You don't mean...
My God.
Now we both feel betrayed.
Painful, isn't it?
Do you know what this is?
A closet?
No, it's a graveyard.
A graveyard filled with all the stuff we bought
because you told us you wanted to do something, and then quit.
Remember this? Remember how you begged us to buy you a guitar?
The strings hurt my fingers.
GABRIELLE: Oh!
What about this? Very expensive. You've never touched it.
That's not true.
I use it to pretend I'm playing guitar.
Juanita, you are full of ideas, but you never see any of them through.
Well, guess what? You are doing one of these things at that talent show.
But I'm already doing something.
Not that.
Fine. If you won't pick something, I will.
Ah.
Tap.
- No. - Yes.
You enjoyed it!
You actually set your personal record for sticking with something,
two months.
But it's hard.
Let me tell you something about life. Anything that's won'th doing is hard.
That's what life is?
You're going back to that tap class,
and you're gonna practice two hours a day, seven days a week
until you nail it.
No. I'll do something else at the show.
Like what?
I'll tell jokes.
A Jewish guy and a Mexican walk into a bar...
No.
Thank you, Bree. It always brightens my day when you invite me to visit.
Well, Reverend Sykes, I very much enjoy your company.
As I do yours.
Mmm.
So, have you killed someone?
Excuse me?
I've always found the treats you prepare for my visits
are a reliable indicator of your level of spiritual turmoil.
The more exquisite the baked goods, the more anguished your soul.
This is a hazelnut chocolate chip scone with currants.
So I ask again, have you killed someone?
No.
It's just...
Lately I feel like Job.
You know, Job from the Old Testament?
I'm familiar with the Book, thank you.
Why do you think you're Job?
I just feel that God has taken everything away from me.
I lost my business. My children never call me.
And my boyfriend Keith has left me.
Well, it's not exactly body boils and dead camels,
but I understand what you're saying.
When I complained after I was not accepted into Yale Divinity School,
my father had no sympathy.
Instead, he drove me from our lovely home in Connecticut
to a dangerous section of the Bronx,
and forced me to hand out blankets to the homeless.
I see. That's the reason you've always been so sensitive
to the plight of the poor.
Perhaps.
It's certainly the reason my father was buried in a sport jacket he detested.
The point is, looking at what has been taken from us
is a bad way to go through life.
Looking for what we can give to others is far better.
Could you pass me the tape?
I'm so glad I asked you to help.
I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little faint.
What is that smell?
It's like sneakers mixed with cologne mixed with
"I ran around the block four times wearing a shirt made of cheese."
That's Porter and Preston.
Well, get the place cleaned.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna hold off on that for a while.
- Why? - Because
(INHALING DEEPLY)
I kind of love this smell.
Okay, now you're becoming delirious. We gotta get you out of here.
Hey, you don't have children,
so you don't get it.
But raising kids is an amazing experience.
It is the most meaningful thing I've ever done.
So anything that reminds me of them is a good thing.
Hmm.
You must be pretty sad they're gone.
No.
No, it's right.
They're moving on with their lives. It's wonderful.
Well, then why are there tears in your eyes?
Um...
That's the smell. (SNIFFLES) You're right. Let's get out of here.
So, any idea what's going on with me?
As much as I enjoy passing out at restaurants,
I'm starting to get a little concerned. (CHUCKLES)
According to these tests, your creatine levels are increasing.
That's not good.
Oh. Why is that happening?
I realize this isn't a satisfying answer,
but we don't know.
So, how serious is it?
I'll tell you what I tell all my patients.
We are going to do everything we can to get you a kidney,
but in the meantime, live your life.
If there's things you're thinking about doing,
do them now.
(SIGHS)
I think for our anniversary we should have a picnic, in the woods.
Where we got married.
Sure. That's a great idea.
I think we should do it now.
But our anniversary's not till July.
Were we not at the same appointment just now?
I thought the dialysis was supposed to keep you healthy.
I guess it's just not working for me.
How bad is this?
SUSAN: Pretty bad.
Yesterday, the doctor's secretary handed me this free parking pass
with this sad look.
It was like, "Yeah, you're doomed, but your parking's free."
So was this pass good for a month? A week?
LYNETTE: Gabby!
I just wanna know what we're facing here.
SUSAN: All I know is,
I need a new kidney,
and there's nothing I can do till they find me one.
Well, have you thought about trying to find a donor yourself?
So far, you've only asked family.
Yeah, widen the circle. Ask friends and neighbors.
Well, there's not much point.
I mean, finding a match is like, you know, one in a thousand.
So ask 1,000 people!
Yes! We can help.
We can canvass the neighborhood, put up signs, go door to door.
Guys, it's a vital organ.
Susan, people care about you.
You might be surprised what they're willing to do.
I appreciate the thought.
But I just can't ask anyone to make that kind of sacrifice for me.
I can't.
I'm gonna get you more coffee.
Maybe she can't,
but I can.
Donate a kidney? Have we met? I'm, like, 112.
But, Karen, it's for our dear friend Susan.
I'm not having elective surgery.
I take enough risk just climbing out of the tub.
I don't know. Arert there serious risks?
Actually, the mortality rate is quite low.
I meant the scarring.
I've spent a lot of time at the gym working off my love handles,
and I will not give up a chance to go shirtless.
No.
- But I... - No.
- She's really... - No.
- Would you just... - No.
Bree?
Yes?
No.
I want a baby.
Here. I also have a 9-year-old.
One of my own. Preferably a boy.
And in brown.
Wait, you're serious?
Where did you get this incredibly rash and not thought-out idea?
RENEE: From you.
You know, what you said yesterday, about kids giving your life meaning.
I want that. I want meaning.
In the form of a baby?
Exactly.
I already made an appointment with an adoption agency,
which was right next door to my manicurist.
It was like it was meant to be.
Are you sure about this?
I mean, your social calendar is very full.
A baby would change all that.
It requires a lot of sacrifice and compromise.
(SCOFFS) Maybe the way you do it.
Excuse me?
You work your life around your kids.
I intend to work my child into my life.
No offense, but I think you make it a lot harder than it has to be.
You know what?
You might be right.
But before you commit to being a mom, why don't you give it a test drive?
What do you mean?
You could watch Paige some night.
Tom and I haven't been out in a while.
Really? You'd let me babysit?
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
Which one is Paige?
This one.
Oh.
I accept.
Wow. My first step toward being a mom.
You watch. I am gonna be a natural.
(LYNETTE LAUGHS)
Oh. Uh, does she eat shellfish?
Maybe.
So, I got us caviar, shrimp pate, smoked salmon.
If there's a part of a fish they can overcharge for, we have it.
Can you put these in the back?
- Yeah. - Thanks.
- Sweetie? - Yeah?
I just want to thank you for doing this today.
You're welcome.
And you can thank me again when we go back in July
for our real anniversary.
And I'd really love if for the next eight hours,
I'm not sick, no talk of kidneys.
Let's just have a fun, normal day, okay?
You got it.
One fun, normal day in the woods coming up.
MIKE: Nothing's gonna ruin this trip.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Hey, how was tap class?
It's too hard. I don't wanna do it anymore.
Oh, sweetie.
You're doing it. We're not a family of quitters.
Oh! You quit all the time.
Yesterday we played hide and seek,
Celia and I looked for you for an hour before we saw your car was gone.
So I found a great hiding place at the shoe store. That's not quitting.
All right, look, let me ask you something.
Are you getting better?
I guess.
Well, there you go.
Now go upstairs and change.
Oh! And remember, tomorrow's lessors two hours.
You're gonna make my feet fall off.
I can't wait for this to be over.
Why are you working her so hard? It's a lousy school talent show.
You think Bob and Lee are going easy on their kid?
No, they push her!
That girl's so good at the violin, she's practically Asian.
So that's what this is about. You're competing with Bob and Lee.
(SCOFFS) That's ridiculous. This is about Juanita.
Building her self-esteem and giving her a chance to shine.
And if a couple of same-sex parents
end up crying at home in their silk kimonos,
so be it.
Oh, Mike, look at this place.
Isn't it as beautiful as you remember it?
Yeah. Lucky I didn't leave it on the roof of the car.
(SIGHS) Will you forget about the picnic basket?
Guess you're right.
What's important is we're together and there's...
Damn it! They forgot the fries! Unbelievable.
Okay, Mike.
Look at me.
Think back eight years,
when we stood in this spot
and we pledged our love to each other.
- Mmm-hmm. - Oh! I know.
Let's renew our vows.
(SUSAN GIGGLES)
That's a great idea.
I, Mike Delfino, promise to love...
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
I, Mike Delfino, promise to...
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
It's just a bird. Forget it.
Promise to love and honor...
(BIRD SQUAWKING)
Okay, now he's just mocking me!
But... Mike.
Mike, stop!
Oh, my God. I can't believe you hit that bird.
Yeah, I know.
(BIRD SQUAWKING)
I was aiming for that one.
As the gayest person at this brunch,
I feel it is my duty to say, "Fabulous!"
Yeah, Bree, what's the occasion?
Nothing. Just a little get-together for friends.
- Smoked salmon tartare cornucopia? - Mmm.
This feels weird. She's up to something.
Oh, what are you talking about? It's just a brunch.
Excuse me,
if I could borrow a moment of your time for a brief presentation.
- Oh, God, you're right. It's an ambush. - Mmm-hmm.
- (GABRIELLE HISSES) - It seems many of you have
some misguided ideas about kidney donation,
so I have invited Craig Lynwood,
transplant coordinator at Fairview Memorial,
to dispel some of those myths.
Mr. Lynwood, is it true there's an age limit to donating?
No. Not necessarily.
And does the surgery cause unsightly scarring?
It's laparoscopic. The scarring is minimal.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I find that very reassuring.
So now that we have the facts, I am sure you'll all wanna get tested.
Okay, fine. I'll go in next week.
BREE: No need.
Nurse Dearborn?
So, the line forms over here.
And we won't take no for an answer.
You're gonna get tested?
No. I think I can take Gabby.
I don't know how Paul found out, Mama, but he did. And then...
Well, he threw me out.
He was just so cold.
What a sad story.
If only someone had warned you what a bastard he is.
I know.
You were right all along. I should've listened to you.
But I'm going to make it up to you.
Oh, Beth.
I can't allow you back in my life.
You have failed me in every possible way.
No, I didn't.
Paul confessed.
Really?
Did you get it on tape?
Did he write it on a napkin?
Of course not.
Because you've never done anything right in your life.
Give me another chance.
I'll do anything.
(SIGHS) I have no more use for you. Goodbye.
Wait!
I have nowhere to go.
What's going to happen to me, Mama?
You're gonna live a lonely, depressing life
in some ratty apartment,
with plenty of time to think about all the people you disappointed.
Most of all, me.
Guard! I'm done here.
Take her off the visitors list.
ANNOUNCER: The Oakridge School Talent Show starts in five minutes.
So, checking out Fairview's answer to ltzhak Perlman?
I don't know what that is, but if it's German for "cat strangler,"
then, yes.
It's like that, is it?
So, whers your daughter start stomping off to Buffalo?
She's on right before Jenny.
So, you might want to keep your sunglasses handy
because Juanita is going to be dazzling.
Honey, are you okay? Were you being chased by a bee?
No, it's my routine.
That's the first time I've nailed the finale.
That was you nailing it?
To the floor. Bam!
Performers, to the stage!
Uh...
Where are my tap shoes?
I don't know.
I left them right here.
Honey, I guess you lost them, and the show's about to start.
Dang it!
I can't believe this.
I was so excited. I worked so hard.
I'm sorry.
Do you want to stay and watch your friends?
We can go after for ice cream.
Who cares?
I will see your shirt,
and I will raise you one bra.
Nicely played.
(RUSTLING)
Do you hear something?
Probably just a peeping raccoon.
No. No, I think there's someone out there.
(GUN FIRES)
(SOLDIERS CHATTERING)
What the hell?
(GRUNTS)
Identify yourselves.
Are you Northern agitators?
Do we look like Northern agitators?
We're just celebrating our anniversary.
You guys playing paintball or something?
No, madam, we are not playing!
I am Major General Jedediah Garrett of the Confederate Army, and we...
Kevin, Kevin. Kevin! Hi. Hi.
We're part of a Civil War reenactment group.
Yeah, I know, I know. Get a real life, right?
Look, can't you just have your pretend war over there?
Pretend?
You, sir, are interrupting the Battle of Fredericksburg!
Actually, we have the entire park until 6:00.
Kyle, show them the permit.
It's fine.
We believe you.
No, it's not fine. This is really important to her.
So, just give us a couple of hours.
No, sir. Now, be gone!
Men, we must be ready to attack the enemy
should they attempt to retreat into Maryland.
What a douche.
A douche, you say?
Yeah.
SUSAN: Mike!
Let's just go.
(GASPS)
Eyes closed, Kyle. You're supposed to be dead.
I died with my eyes open. It happens.
Close them, Kyle!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
And now, to close our show
is a violin solo by Jenny Hunter-McDermott.
(PLAYING SOLEMN TUNE)
(OFF-KE Y)
(CHUCKLES)
She lives next door to me.
We're getting those double-paned windows.
Okay.
Ouch!
Poor Lee. He must be pretty embarrassed.
Does he look embarrassed?
She always stumbles over that part. She really stumbled over it today.
But she powered through. We couldn't be prouder.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Nobody move!
Okay, don't leave yet.
There's still one girl who hasn't performed yet.
But I lost my tap shoes.
Oh, that's right.
Hey! Wait, is that them in the back room behind the radiator?
(SQUEALS)
Bravo!
(SUSAN SIGHS)
Look, we had a great day.
Think of it this way,
now we have a funny story to tell people.
(ENGINE STALLING)
Two funny stories.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Bree, it's Craig Lynwood.
I have some great news. All your efforts have paid off.
You found a match?
We found two.
Oh, my God.
It's a miracle! Who are they?
Well, one of them is you.
Bree? Are you there?
I'm sorry. It's just...
(STUTTERS)
I wasrt expecting this.
Who's the other one?
A woman named Beth Young.
Beth? I didn't even know she got tested.
Apparently, she saw one of your flyers.
And she wants to do this?
Well, I don't know yet.
We're having a hard time getting in touch with her.
So, should we continue to look for this Beth Young,
or is the donor going to be you?
Fancy. I thought we were just gonna grab a burger.
Renee was really talking this place up,
so I thought we could splurge.
Or we could stay home and eat money.
We better order.
Any second, my phone is going to ring,
and Renee's gonna beg me to rush home and get Paige.
I don't know. She might surprise you.
(BAB Y CRYING)
Oh, great. One night out and we have to listen to that.
Who brings a baby to a place like this?
Hey, let's give the parents that dirty look that we always get.
- Like... - Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God!
It's Renee!
On a date!
With our baby!
Unbelievable.
And you thought she'd be good at this?
Oh, look at that.
What, what is she doing now?
Nothing, the filet mignon just went by.
It looks amazing.
So, should we just go over and get Paige?
Not yet.
I want to watch.
Okay, look, look, there you go.
She's probably ordering milk for Paige.
Or she's giving our baby away!
Wow! She really is bad at this.
Oh!
Excuse me.
Hi. I'll be right over to take your order.
Why did that woman give you this baby?
She gave me $ 100 to see if I could calm her down.
But I don't mind. I love children. I'm actually expecting my third.
Really, that's beautiful.
Listen, how would you like to make $200?
Are you ready to order?
Have you forgotten something?
Your drinks will be right out.
No. No, no. Not the drinks, the baby.
I gave you a baby? Where is it?
I had orders backing up, so I gave it to a busboy.
What? What busboy?
Um...
He should be here somewhere.
I hope he didn't finish his shift and go home.
You better find me that baby.
Or I'm gonna take that one, now!
Busboy, are you the one that has a baby?
I'm looking for a baby!
Two feet tall, big head, drools.
I'm looking for a baby.
Did anyone pass you a baby?
Has anyone seen a baby?
Had enough?
In a minute.
That vein in her head is really going.
Do you know where there's a baby?
Because they gave it to me, I don't know where the baby is!
Lynette.
And Paige. How did you get Paige? What are you doing with Paige?
You took our baby on a date.
Well, Brian called. It was his one night in town.
Well, then you say, "Sorry, Brian, I can't make it tonight."
That's what being a mother is about, making sacrifices.
Something you know absolutely nothing about!
Ah! Come on, Tom.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Beth? It's Bree Van De Kamp.
Um...
Coming!
I went to your house. Paul told me you were here.
We aren't together anymore.
I'm so sorry.
It is what it is.
Thanks for checking on me.
Well, actually, the reason I came by...
Has the gentleman from the transplant office reached you?
Why?
Am I a match?
- Yes! - Wow!
So, what do I do now?
Is there someone I need to call? Are there forms?
Well, that won't be necessary because I'm a match, too.
What?
I know. Two in the same neighborhood. We're very blessed.
Anyway, I am going to be Susars donor.
But I wanted to thank you for
getting tested.
When you moved onto the Lane, I didn't give you a chance.
I saw you as a woman who married a man I hated,
and I see now that you're so much more than that.
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it.
Well, I... I should go.
I wanna do it.
Beth, no!
Please, Bree. Let me help Susan.
It would really mean a lot to me.
Beth, what I'm about to say may not make sense to you,
but I've been going through
a dark time.
Feeling alone and unconnected and wondering if I have
a purpose.
So, for me to be able to do this for my friend,
it may mean a lot to you,
but it means everything to me.
Thank you for understanding.
Sorry about last night.
I bought this for the baby.
Wow!
Expensive, fragile, pointy.
If only it were flammable.
I'm not really cut out to be a mother, am I?
No.
And there's nothing wrong with that. It's not for everyone.
What's sad is how many people go ahead and have kids anyway.
Well, what do people do to fill up the hole in their lives?
No matter what I do, no matter who I'm with,
I feel alone.
You'll find something.
And when you do, you'll be glad you have the room.
Lots and lots of room. (CHUCKLES)
Thanks. I'm so glad I stopped by.
Hey.
We're about to eat. Why don't you join us?
Okay.
But keep the baby on your side of the table.
What? I'd probably let her play with my knife.
(CHUCKLES)
Ow! God! Son of a bitch!
- Let me look at it. - No.
Are you okay?
Mike, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay!
We never should have come here!
Instead of waiting for our real anniversary,
we wasted our time on this disaster!
Is that why you're yelling at me? Because I...
Because I moved up our anniversary?
Because you're dying.
You're dying,
and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Look, I'm sorry. But it feels like you're getting ready to say goodbye.
Like you're bailing on me.
Bailing?
I am fighting!
I am scared, I don't know what's going to happen,
but I am fighting my ass off.
I wanna see MJ graduate.
I wanna grow old with you.
I want all of that.
But in the meantime,
I'm going to enjoy every moment of every day.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Let's get out of here.
(MIKE GROANS)
Hey, lean on me.
I'm a lot stronger than you think.
MARY ALICE: Our lives are brief.
That's why it's important to search for meaning.
We find it in our daughter's smile,
in the warmth of our friends,
or the comfort of our faith.
Then there are those who make their lives meaningful
by making a great sacrifice.
Hello, my name is Beth Young. I'm here to donate a kidney.
I just found out I'm a match for a friend of mine.
I'm sorry, ma'am, you're in the wrong place.
You want the transplant office on the fourth floor.
These are my forms.
I think you'll see they're all completely filled out.
Again, ma'am, you want the transplant office.
This is Emergency.
My friend's name is Susan Delfino.
It's funny, at first we didn't get along very well.
Actually, we never got along.
But that kind of thing seems so insignificant
when someone is in need.
That's great. Fourth floor. Elevator's down the hall.
I really don't mean to trouble you,
but these forms have to get to the right place.
I don't want to mess this up.
It's the most important thing I've ever done.
Okay. I'll take care of it.
Thank you so much. You're very kind.
(GUN FIRES)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
We need some help over here!